Sassy Quack

DaVinci Disappointment


For shame, Ron Howard. We expect better of you.

In the adaptation of a book for the screen, it is understandable that cuts must be made in the interest of time. It is important though, to ensure that these cuts don't punch holes in the fabric of the story. Not only does Ron Howard fail to ensure this, he changes the nature of the interpersonal relationships in the story making the characters nearly impossible to care about.

Bezu Fache is now a member of Opus Dei. Dan Brown's Fache was a strong, driven, COP. The job was his religion and while we rooted against him, we knew that he was one of the good guys...France's own Detective Andy Sipowicz. Ron Howard has turned him into a religious zealot who blindly follows the direction of his church. He isn't a bulldog, he's a chihuahua. His eventual redemption fails to instill the same respect we have for Brown's Fache.

Where is the love story between Langdon and Sophie? Audrey Tautou, perhaps put off by Tom Hanks' unfortunate hairstyle and odd facial bloat, fails to give off ANY heat. One could argue that the love story isn't essential to the plot...but it certainly does make it more compelling. Many have also said that Tom Hanks is miscast here. I disagree. His Langdon comes across as intelligent and as accessible as possible given the writing. The failure is in his connection with Sophie. The actress cast in the part should have been one who was able to generate a powerful chemistry with him. We all know he could hold up his end of the deal. Is this not why there is a such thing as a screen test? (I now point my wand of shame at Janet Hirshenson, John Hubbard, and Jane Jenkins)

It seems that the filmmakers deliberately sought to crush all emotional connections that existed in the book. The result is that the characters are hard to access, and therefore, hard to care about. We are not caught up with the urgency we had to turn just one more page to find out what happened next. Jacques Sauniere is no longer Sophie's REAL grandfather. Why not? Why do we see him engaged in the ceremony that drives Sophie away and never learn that the woman with him is her grandmother? Why do we never learn of her grandparents powerful love for each other and their family that drives their life choices? With no mention of any of this, the appearance of Sophie's grandmother at the end of the film is awkward and empty. Where is her brother? The conclusion of Sophie's journey is not nearly as satisfying in the film. She just abruptly disappears as Langdon heads back to Paris.

Howard's characters are hollow shells of the complex human stories of Brown's design. How hard was this Ron? Almost all of the work was done for you and you just threw it away.

FOR SHAME.

Stepping of my soapbox and walking away in disappointment,
Sassy Quack

The Restaurant

So the other day, I helped The Boyfriend out in his restaurant for the local university graduation day. Not having waited tables in ages, I was delighted to find that after a certain amount of experience, it is quite like riding a bike. There is a peculiar satisfaction in being able to walk into a business off the street and be effective...no matter what the job.

Unfortunately, the same adaptability does not go for my arm strength. I have a newfound respect for the work I put in during the days of yore. In one evening, I managed to pull every muscle from the tips of my right pinky finger to my chest & back…resulting in great pain and refusal, on the part of my fingers, to bend or in any way participate in the next day. Apparently, one who spends her days sitting in front of a computer listening to Sirius radio on her headphones should not go sprinting up and down stairs or all about with the plates and lobster pots of 12 people hoisted up on fingertips without at least, a good stretch beforehand.

I also renewed my amazement in the utter lack of manners people display. I catch this every so often when out to dinner or in a theatre…but never is it so evident as when you spend an evening catering to these folk. I think in the case of restaurants, this is due to the fact that going out to eat is no longer an experience…less people eat at home and thus the restaurant becomes an extension of the personal dining room where they are King and Queen. This is well documented in several places…most amusingly, here.

For the special ed among us, here are some general guidelines:


1.) Tip properly. If you don’t believe in tipping, move to Europe. If you can’t afford it, stay home. NEVER is it okay to tip less than 15%. ..and even that is considered insulting in a nicer establishment. 20% is more appropriate…to be exceeded if your server is instrumental in creating a glorious experience or if you decide to spend 5 hours hogging their table. Remember, tips are often the only money they take home. Don’t be a grinch.

2.) If your food is over/undercooked, taking a long time to come out, or otherwise not what you expected, the way to get what you want is to BE POLITE. It is not, in 90% of the cases, the fault of the server, and they are anxious to make your experience a pleasant one. Calmly explain your problem and rest assured, they will do all the APPROPRIATE ass-kicking on your behalf. If you are hoping for something free, displaying all of your more vile qualities is not the way to get it.

3.) What happened to complete sentences? Do not wave someone over and say to them “ranch dressing”. That is not a request and thusly, may be ignored. I hear this often when I’m out and about and am thoroughly tired of it. Make your request in a complete sentence and accompanied by #4. Not only is it polite, it will ensure that you get exactly what you want. “Ranch dressing” could mean “I would like some”, “It is erroneously on my food”, or anything else.

4.) Use the magic words…Please and Thank You…whenever possible. This is one of the most important facets of good manners and should be applied in your daily life. If your mother didn’t love you enough to teach you this, now is the time to learn.

5.) Put away the cell phone and pay attention when your server approaches the table. They will say their piece and allow you to get back to ignoring your dinner companion as quickly as possible.

6.) You are not better than those who are currently serving you. Rude people will get their comeuppance…even if they don’t know it. Ever seen Waiting? This happens. I have seen worse in VERY nice restaurants. Stressed out, physically strained people can do some rotten things when provoked. Is it right? Of course not. But it WILL happen. Also, remember that you don’t know your server. You may be insulting the person who in the future may be responsible for determining whether you get a mortgage, promotion, or the one who will perform your heart transplant. Servers and others in the service industry have very long memories. Be careful.

7.) Lastly, if the restaurant closes at 11pm, 10:59 is NOT an acceptable time to enter and demand service. If it is later than 45mins to close, go home and order pizza. You have missed your chance. If you don’t; not only will EVERYONE in the place wish for your immediate and painful death, you will be getting the last scrapings of sides, soups, etc for the day. Come earlier, your dinner will taste better, be of better quality, and have far less chance of having “accidentally” fallen on the floor. Think about it how much you look forward to going home at the end of the day. Restaurant folk are no different.

Coming soon: proper usage of the U-Scan,
Sassy Quack

Hollywood Skankdom

You know, I was totally on Denise Richards' side prior to this whole Richie Sambora debacle. Charlie Sheen was one of Heidi Fleiss’ best customers after all…who could believe he was fully reformed? Chances are, there are some very slimy aspects to his character.

All my sympathy went out the window however, when she broke the cardinal girlfriend rule. You do not. Ever. take up with the husband (or boyfriend) of a girlfriend. It doesn’t just “happen”. You make a choice. Take some responsibility Denise. Every woman knows that once a girlfriend proclaims love for a man, he is forever off the table. There are many other men out there…especially for someone like her.

I read in People that someone from her camp made a comment something to the effect of “well, everyone hated Angelina Jolie for a while too”. Um…hello? That doesn’t make it ok. What Angelina did was vile in its own right and many will never forgive her for it…myself included. However, she was not friends with Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer didn’t loan her dresses or bring over the Ben & Jerry’s when things didn’t work with Billy Bob.

Denise, you didn’t just betray Heather. You betrayed the whole sisterhood. We can never trust you again if this is your attitude. What woman in her right mind would ever have you over for dinner again?

I’m amazed how the concept of acting like a decent human being has fallen out the window.

Puffed up with self righteousness,
Sassy Quack

More Travel Fun...

I arrived close to 2 hours early for my flight from LaGuardia a few weeks ago. Miraculously, I’d been able to score a cab in Times Square during the shift change on my first try and was now seated near a group of tweens and munching french fries from the Burger King I have visited more often than the one near my own house. Watching people in airports is always entertaining. The carefully crafted images they put up on the outside drop away to reveal the naughty, spoiled, and/or whiny child beneath.

A Delta agent directly across from me has put on her “weary parent addressing the ‘are we there yet?’ question for the umpteenth time” voice to announce that the plane her passengers await has finally landed…and she knows everyone is tired and hungry but if they could just be patient for a few more minutes. Bleary eyed men and women in business suits comprise most of the crowd lurking near the gates, chatting with their fellows, slumped in chairs, or talking loudly on cell phones. I catch one balding man exclaim quite self importantly “Well we conduct business all over the world…” into his ultra-compact model so that everyone is sure to hear. Eyes roll in the seats around him. Apparently his mommy didn’t teach him that it isn’t nice to brag in front of the other children.

Passengers from a newly arrived flight flood the already crowded area on their way out of the airport. Most are already talking loudly into phones…because clearly, the world will end otherwise. One woman in designer boots and an expensive looking brown skirt festooned with gold sequins scrabbles about on her knees attempting to unfurl her luggage cart with one hand while desperately clutching a phone to her ear…too deep in conversation to notice that a.) she is probably ruining her clothes and b.) she looks incredibly stupid.

The gate agents for Northwest, clearly suspecting that the whole boarding process is much too pleasant, have decided to invoke the dreaded “general boarding”. This means everyone who is not privileged enough to be seated in First Class all try to rush the gate at once…where they are then allowed in 10 at a time. The crack-head who came up with this plan believes it will speed up the process. Riiiiight. Almost instantly, there is a huge backup while the passenger in Row 8 carefully folds her coat into the overhead bin, blocking everyone seated behind her from passing. Once you make it to your seat, instead of perhaps one straggler who will pass you by, you must spend the entire boarding period dodging body parts and baggage. I think, during this particular evening, I was smacked with at least 3 butt cheeks, an elbow, and 2 suitcases. Yay Northwest, master of inconvenience.

I was VERY thankful to get home.


Another day, another butt cheek to the eye,
Sassy Quack

Tom Cruise...

Since Tom Cruise lost his mind and started his couch jumping, Scientology spewing, reign of obnoxiousness-I'm finding it very difficult to care about any of his movies. His insanity has overshadowed any fun that might be found there. You say "Mission Impossible III"...I think...Can Katie escape the dastardly clutches of Tom? Even Rosie has retracted her love. That's just sad.

Perhaps Scientology really did help him. Perhaps it has helped others. Fine. What I find offensive is his complete inability to understand that the complexity of the human being means that not all solutions work for everyone.

There is some validity to his arguments about the overmedication of America's children...sure. I once, well on my way to obtaining my handy degree in psychology, managed to get myself diagnosed ADD based on a survey given by a psychiatrist who, without any other counseling, wanted to put me on Ritalin straight away. That kind of doctor gives support to Tom's rants. However, many people are able to lead a normal life thanks to prescription drugs...the deprivation of which can lead to cases like this. There are many, many other cases cited in scientific journals...too many to dismiss. Vitamins are not enough for everyone.

In regard to his argument that was He knows the "history of psychiatry". Sure. Honestly, I'm not going to pull a Tom/Matt Lauer moment and presume to know what he has studied...but I do strongly suspect that his source of this historical information was the Scientology Center rather than an independent institute of higher learning. I also find his "Doctor Tom" rantings extremely irresponsible. There are too many celebrity idolizing, undereducated folk out there who take his word for gospel.

SO-in response to all of the new surveys out there: NO. I will not be able to see Tom Cruise on screen as Ethan Hunt...and I am too sick of him to try. So Tom "I let Isabella style my bangs before leaving my new-soon to have her name made fun of by all future classmates-daughter Suri to stump for my new movie" Cruise, good luck with your life. Please stop telling me what is right for mine.

Wishing the War of the Worlds aliens had eaten him when they had the chance,
Sassy Quack