Sassy Quack

The Restaurant

So the other day, I helped The Boyfriend out in his restaurant for the local university graduation day. Not having waited tables in ages, I was delighted to find that after a certain amount of experience, it is quite like riding a bike. There is a peculiar satisfaction in being able to walk into a business off the street and be effective...no matter what the job.

Unfortunately, the same adaptability does not go for my arm strength. I have a newfound respect for the work I put in during the days of yore. In one evening, I managed to pull every muscle from the tips of my right pinky finger to my chest & back…resulting in great pain and refusal, on the part of my fingers, to bend or in any way participate in the next day. Apparently, one who spends her days sitting in front of a computer listening to Sirius radio on her headphones should not go sprinting up and down stairs or all about with the plates and lobster pots of 12 people hoisted up on fingertips without at least, a good stretch beforehand.

I also renewed my amazement in the utter lack of manners people display. I catch this every so often when out to dinner or in a theatre…but never is it so evident as when you spend an evening catering to these folk. I think in the case of restaurants, this is due to the fact that going out to eat is no longer an experience…less people eat at home and thus the restaurant becomes an extension of the personal dining room where they are King and Queen. This is well documented in several places…most amusingly, here.

For the special ed among us, here are some general guidelines:


1.) Tip properly. If you don’t believe in tipping, move to Europe. If you can’t afford it, stay home. NEVER is it okay to tip less than 15%. ..and even that is considered insulting in a nicer establishment. 20% is more appropriate…to be exceeded if your server is instrumental in creating a glorious experience or if you decide to spend 5 hours hogging their table. Remember, tips are often the only money they take home. Don’t be a grinch.

2.) If your food is over/undercooked, taking a long time to come out, or otherwise not what you expected, the way to get what you want is to BE POLITE. It is not, in 90% of the cases, the fault of the server, and they are anxious to make your experience a pleasant one. Calmly explain your problem and rest assured, they will do all the APPROPRIATE ass-kicking on your behalf. If you are hoping for something free, displaying all of your more vile qualities is not the way to get it.

3.) What happened to complete sentences? Do not wave someone over and say to them “ranch dressing”. That is not a request and thusly, may be ignored. I hear this often when I’m out and about and am thoroughly tired of it. Make your request in a complete sentence and accompanied by #4. Not only is it polite, it will ensure that you get exactly what you want. “Ranch dressing” could mean “I would like some”, “It is erroneously on my food”, or anything else.

4.) Use the magic words…Please and Thank You…whenever possible. This is one of the most important facets of good manners and should be applied in your daily life. If your mother didn’t love you enough to teach you this, now is the time to learn.

5.) Put away the cell phone and pay attention when your server approaches the table. They will say their piece and allow you to get back to ignoring your dinner companion as quickly as possible.

6.) You are not better than those who are currently serving you. Rude people will get their comeuppance…even if they don’t know it. Ever seen Waiting? This happens. I have seen worse in VERY nice restaurants. Stressed out, physically strained people can do some rotten things when provoked. Is it right? Of course not. But it WILL happen. Also, remember that you don’t know your server. You may be insulting the person who in the future may be responsible for determining whether you get a mortgage, promotion, or the one who will perform your heart transplant. Servers and others in the service industry have very long memories. Be careful.

7.) Lastly, if the restaurant closes at 11pm, 10:59 is NOT an acceptable time to enter and demand service. If it is later than 45mins to close, go home and order pizza. You have missed your chance. If you don’t; not only will EVERYONE in the place wish for your immediate and painful death, you will be getting the last scrapings of sides, soups, etc for the day. Come earlier, your dinner will taste better, be of better quality, and have far less chance of having “accidentally” fallen on the floor. Think about it how much you look forward to going home at the end of the day. Restaurant folk are no different.

Coming soon: proper usage of the U-Scan,
Sassy Quack